i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
