I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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