return my video game
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
