Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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