yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
