Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
