he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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