Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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