My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
