It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
