He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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