it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am available for nakedness
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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