my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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