drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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