I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
