My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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