No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Alive.
So much puke
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Two words: blizzard sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
