you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
