finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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