the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
