She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
