i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
