my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
