I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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