Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
thus making me awesome and them whores
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
