I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
