Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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