I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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