he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
