Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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