I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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