He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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