My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
