It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
