I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
