This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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