You're my little dorito
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
