I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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