Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
