i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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