Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I puked a lego.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
