Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
