Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
