There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
