my phone needs a breathalizer
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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