when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
