Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
