We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
