my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
