Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
