I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
