someone get that fucking seahorse.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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