Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
