I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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