I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
